February 6: The Little Wiggle Worm

I didn't have the energy last night to type an update. I think all of the nights of getting up every 2 1/2 to 3 hours to pump and the flurry of the days and hospital visits have caught up with me. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I know new moms that get to bring their little ones home after just 3-4 days in the hospital most likely get less sleep than I do since they are up with the baby at all hours. It's just that I'm a little worn down right now and don't quite know how to re-energize.

I seriously don't know where the time goes these days. I feel like I'm constantly running and am against a deadline...but what or who's deadline? I guess I feel guilty if I am at home and not at the hospital, but then at the end of the day when we are heading home from the hospital, I'm thinking about how much laundry is piling up on the bedroom floor, or that our condo is slowly growing this layer of dust on the shelving and dirt on the hardwoods and it grosses me out. We haven't gone grocery shopping since before Ethan was born, so every night is a hodge podge of whatever we can find to put together. Oh, well, like I said before, I'm not complaining. Just tired. I can't even imagine how Jon feels these days, since he is balancing work as well. Although, he doesn't have to get up every 3 hours at night...unless I wake him up. :)

On the Ethan front: he has gained weight since Thursday and is now up to 1lb 14 oz, just 1 oz away from his birth weight. I think we're going to have a little party when he surpasses 2 lbs. Our primary nurse, Tracy, was again working when I arrived yesterday. She had found a little preemie shirt in the hospital's stash that looks like it may just almost fit Ethan. She snatched it for him and we are going to take some pictures of him in it on Monday. She thought it would be fun for us and everyone who reads this to see him in real clothes. She also said he had been pretty active during the day. She had come in to check on him earlier and he was sprawled out sideways in his isolette. At the moment that we were talking through this, he was in classic Ethan pose, with his little leg thrown over his positioning blankets. I thought babies liked to be swaddled??

In not so good news, Ethan was having more frequent drops in heart rate called bradies and oxygen saturation called desats (I think I have this right). He has them once in awhile and they are normal as he just forgets to breathe. We just poke his foot or shake him to remind him to take a breath. But yesterday they were more frequent and his breathing was shallow, like he was struggling a little. He wasn't as peaceful as he had been the last couple of days. Tracy thought he may be anemic, since he was a little pale, so she had sent some of his blood over to be tested. Anemia is common in preemies. They get a lot of blood tests and sometimes their little bodies can't produce enough red blood cells to keep up. They sometimes need blood transfusions.

While we waited for the test to come back, Tracy said we could kangaroo. If he started having episodes, we'd have to put him back. We got all set up for our 1 1/2 hour snuggling session. It warmed my heart to hold him and during his time with me, he did not have 1 drop. He mostly stayed at 95-100 sat (100 being perfect). His breathing became more deep, not as shallow as it had been earlier. It made me feel like I really do make a difference! He made a lot of little cooing noises just as he had the day before. I'm starting to be able to let myself dream of when he will come home with us and I can hold him like this all of the time, it makes my heart ache a little.

Once our time was up, we got him all settled back in and ready for his visitors. Shell and Marisa were both stopping by and Jon was ready to visit again too. Ethan was pretty restless. He kept moving himself out of position and throwing his head back into what looked like a very uncomfortable position. He wasn't cooperating with me and my hopes to have him all cuddled in and looking pretty for his visitors. Shell and Marisa arrived and Jon shortly followed. He still had his head thrown back. We tried to reposition him several times, but he would have none of it and would turn his head in the opposite direction to show us that he was the boss. So, he never was in a position to get a good look at his face or little belly, but it was still good to have both MM and Shell there. Next time, I hope he'll behave a little better.

While they were there, the test results came back. Ethan is not anemic, his red blood cell count looked good. His white blood cell count was also good, so there was no infection. The pediatricians who came to talk to us said that they are just chalking it up to his age and premature age. I was happy to hear all of this, but was still uncomfortable that he was having so many episodes in one day. You kinda want an answer for why things are happening. I'm hoping he was just having a bad day and will be back to normal today.

After Shell and MM left, Ethan got even more active and was pushing himself around on his blankets. It seemed like he wasn't comfortable and it was affecting his breathing even more. Jon and I tried to help him into position, but weren't able to snuggle him in as well as the nurses can, so we called the night nurse over to help. She got him all set up and put up blanket boundaries so he couldn't move much and used the little blanket that has straps on it to keep him snuggled in. He fought a little to get his arms free, but soon settled in and his breathing deepened and his oxygen sat stabilized out. He was feeling more comfortable and we were relieved to be able to leave him that night with him breathing better.

I have to take a moment to give a heartfelt thank you to all who have called, visited us, sent emails and are following this blog. We are very lucky to have such great friends and family. Everyone has offered to help and we appreciate all of the gestures. Just wait, I'm sure we'll take you up on that one day :) I am especially grateful to Shell, who is there with us every day. She is truly the best auntie ever. And to Staci, Jen and Marisa, who have all have volunteered for Otis duty. In all of the drama, our little (ok, not so little) puggle is getting the shaft in this whole deal... I feel so bad that we are never home. So when we can ship him off with one of them for a period of time, it gives me peace of mind. He gets to play with their dogs, has a great time and comes home all tired. We cannot thank you guys enough for this. He will probably end up more spoiled than ever, but that's ok.